We recently attended parenting talk by Dr Malcolm Goh who started Couples for Christ Singapore, and with 15 years family ministry service. He shared about what we as parents can do to build a strong catholic family with good bonding with our kids in a chaotic world. It is frightening that divorce rates are moving up. It used to be 1 in 4, now it's 1 in 3 in the USA and Singapore is moving in the same trend.
The family is the basic foundation of society. His talk is very biblical based. God meant husband and wife to be a pastoral team. Neither is meant to work alone. This is found is Genesis where God made both man and woman, with woman as a complementary role to man. Both have defined and complementary roles to play in the family. The man MUST be the head of the family, however, he can always delegate it to his highly efficient Chief Operating Officer, his wife. All decisions, especially major ones, must be made together as husband and wife, otherwise, God cannot bless the family.
He gave the example of a ship. If there are 2 captains, with 1 directing to go West and the other East, the ship cannot move. If no concensus can be made, the husband's decision should be followed. At least then, the ship and move. If a wrong decision is made, it can still reverse and go the other way, but at least it gets to move rather than be stationary.
Another example is when the wife tries so hard to enrol the kids in good programs but the husband goes along grugingly. When the husband is not supportive, God cannot come in to bless the wife's efforts for the family. Her work will not be blessed with success.
Couples should always make time just for each other at least once/week. Just spend time with each other without arguing. Husbands should just try not to disagree with their wife during this time. If she wants magnolia ice cream, but you prefer marigold, never mind, let her get magnolia. Afterall, everyone still gets to eat the ice cream and there is harmony and the wife is happy that you didn't disagree during couples time like shopping for the groceries. The point of couples' time is for the couple to get in touch with each others' dreams and desires...to get to know each other as a person again.
Create family time. It could be going out together with the family. Having a meal once a week as a family. It's important that the father is involved with the entire family.
A family that prays together, stays together. It need not be an entire rosary. Just a short Hail Mary or a short ad-lib prayer with the children. It's very important to always start off with thanksgiving before petitions. A grateful heart is important, otherwise we create in our kids a desire for asking always without realising they have so many things to be grateful for. It can be simple thanksgiving like thanks for letting me get into the choir, or thanks for such a beautiful day today etc. Afterall, the main problem of society is greed and lust. People are not happy with what they have and just want more, and divorce rates are up because of lust. These are found in the 10 commandments of the Old Testaments.
About correcting children, he says we tend to forget to tell children what they need to do right. We are so good at telling them what they did wrong but they are not shown what is the right thing to do.
Create in your family's calendar an objective to aim for each year. With the routine of work, each year will pass by and very soon, the kids will grow up, and you feel as if you had not achieved anything. It's important that each child and as a family, a goal is set. An example, if you want a family vacation to hawaii, then it means everyone must start saving a certain amount each month in order to have enough money for a vacation. For the child, if she wants an electric guitar, set a goal of perhaps getting 250 marks at the PSLE in order to get the guitar. When the year passes, it's nice to look back to see that your goals have been achieved and the year is not wasted or just past you by.
Why are parents a pastoral team? It's based on the bible. We are to mimic the Good Shepherd who know his sheep and will lay down his life for the sheep. Being parents doesn't end when the kids are grown up and married. Parents still have to correct their grown-up kids if they are going down the wrong path. Our job doesn't end till we have done with our journey on earth. Then, again, it may continue when a surviving spouse remarries!!!
He covered quite a bit of topics, but these are the main ones which I found very insightful and good to implement at least in my little family.
If you come across the talk on "Parenting - the Power of 2" by Dr Malcolm Goh, I strongly recommend you attend. Useful talk. It's light and is only about 1.5h long.
Love Theresa
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