A Personal Reflection - How Do I Speak?

Dear All

A friend on FB recently posted a video on 5 characteristics that irk and put people off.

When I was younger, I used not to speak my mind, keep emotions within myself, and then, when those negative emotions have been simmering at dangerously boiling point, just a slight, insignificant episode, I would burst into an inappropriate explosion of anger. I have witnessed this before in my own mum, so I think I may be either subconsciously imitating her as I grew up, or I could be of the same personality trait as her.

Now that I'm older, and age is catching up, I thought, why am I so dumb as to hold in my anger and not speak out if I'm displeased. Life is too short to hold onto ill-feelings towards others, as others will not know that I'm mad with them and what they did irked me, whereas I'll be the one wallowing in anger.

I've noticed that my mum has been over the recent few years, also speaking her mind. Perhaps she had been doing so all her life, but I had only just recently noticed it. I think I may have also emulated how she spoke....direct and cutting at times. I didn't realised I was doing that subconsciously to others, and it took my brave kids to point it out to me. It started with them being spiteful right back at me, and I correcting them, only to be told, I did the same things to them. Boy, was I surprised!! It's like the Bible verses speaking,  I was pointing out the splinter in my brother's eye and I didn't know I had a log in mine!

So what are the 5 characteristics that irks others?

Firstly, it's being negative.

No one likes a person who is pessimistic and negates everything that is being said. It's like what Tiffy says, a "party-pooper", a wet-blanket, a candle-snuffer that puts out the flame.

Secondly, it's being critical.

Being critical is like a destroyer of other's work and self-esteem. It's like pulling people off their high enthusiasm with a cutting remark. It's never constructive, but destructive. No one likes to take to a critical person as they never praise when a job is well-done, but only looks for any little fault that they can find.

Thirdly, it's being apologetic.

This person states upfront, discrediting themselves, before giving an idea. They may have a false sense of being humble, and have a fall-back position that if no one likes their work, it's alright, as they have already said so that their work may not be up to par anyway. What makes them irritating, from what I gather from the video, is that their constant apologies and prelude of excuses, just wear people down. Their putting their ownselves down before others do, just tires others in trying to put them up. People just feel the false modesty in them.

OK, I can't really remember the other 2, but the last part of the video mentioned something, which I've found was a great learning point....Never say anything if it's not all 3 of these things; namely

(1) Kind
(2) A Fact &
(3) Something that helps the other person

It MUST have all 3 components before you speak.

Tiffy added a 4th,

(4) Don't say it too repetitively

I reflected on the way I spoke. I realised that in my mission to speak out so that I won't have to sleep on an anger, I may have not been tactful in HOW I spoke out.

There are many ways to getting the same thing done.

Even in our dialogue with our spouses, if you really think about it, why do we need to dialogue about our feelings is because of how we spoke to each other during the course of the day or week or month.

I think my main weakness is being critical, and perhaps a tinge of negativism. I realised I have at times spoken too directly. I believe this is a learned behaviour that I can correct by being more conscious of the 3 points of, is what I'm going to say going to be kind, factual and constructive to others. If not, than it's best to be left unsaid. If it is, just say so perhaps once or at most thrice, and don't repeat it otherwise it becomes nagging.

Just my personal reflections on how I speak, and what I've learned from the video.

If you are interested in listening to the video, this is the link. Be warned though, it's a pretty long video of about 15 minutes. I guess that's why I could only remember the first part and the last part of the video...it's proven that our attention span is so short, we only remember the beginning and the ending of anything we are listening to :) Perhaps something to take note of when we want our spouse to LISTEN to us, ya?

http://nofilmschool.com/2012/08/5-character-traits-professionals-reluctant-to-work-with-you/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+nofilmschool+%28NoFilmSchool%29

Love
Theresa