My fears of being married...the longer, the more fearful I am

Tonite, I am going to write about my fears of being married. I have never experience this fear so far in my married life [though, I did at times, thought about it] until lately when I experience grief.

At times, this week, while on the train ride, sometimes I just wished that I never have been married, I could have just join the priesthood, so that I will never have this fear. It sounded a bit selfish on my part but I just could not help it.

My greatest fear is that having to lose my spouse one day..{we talk about this before in our ME weekend, but it did not sink in me at that time} and if you are familiar with probability, the chance is 0.5. Far too great to ignore this.

The chance of going on together to the next world is far too remote. Don't count on it..

To tell you the truth, I am still recovering from this grief of losing my mum recently although logically speaking I should be feeling joyful now that her sufferings of so many years are now over...but I still cannot come to terms completely that she is now gone forever. I am going to miss her dearly especially now when I go back to Jurong house. It will be painful for me to step into the house again...

I tell myself I do not want to go through this again..it is too painful, a pain that keeps coming back to you again and again though you would like to move on. Having my spouse beside me helps a great deal, colleagues at my work place are great, in fact their great company keeps me afloat these days..I told them that I will be joining them for the "Lo Hei" at my workplace and also be attending the students' graduation DnD, at least I am doing something positive to myself to pick myself up again.

Yes..from now on I have to prepare myself for the next round of grief that can strike anytime in the future. For that I have to pray more fervently than ever before so that when that time comes the Almighty God will give me the strength and courage to face grief squarely.

We all just have to prepare for it...we have no choice as the little poem below by Helen Steiner Rice aptly describes it:

Tomorrow, I am taking time off to sent the maid back home at the airport after completing her 2 year contract (She has done a good job this 2 years) after which I will just have some quiet time with my the other half...maybe just a good meal at the airport..

That's all for the time being...Goodnite and God Bless!

Albert Y