Dear all
Albert said the signs were clear that the machines in the ICU were only helping her to breathe. After the painful decision to just let her go, it was only 1+h for her vital signs to gradually stop. The sons were with her all the way to the end. (For me, it was important that their mum receives the last rites from a priest when she's still alive. I felt we should let her go, but I also understand the sons point of view if what they do was right in the eyes of God. I know if it was my mum, I'll straight away put her in ICU to give her every fighting chance. But I would believe I would have done it more for my own selfish reasons (if it was my mum)...and that was simply because I don't want to let her go.)
He shared with me the journey with his mum to the mortuary. It was an emotional journey filled with grieve unlike any other.
I broke the news to the girls when they got home yesterday. Felicia came back earlier. She was joyful on returning home as she had good news to share with me. She was chosen to be class leader. I was happy for her and held her hands to calm her down before I broke the sad news to her. Being a child, her eyes immediately brimmed with tears as she cried "but I prayed so hard to God to make ah ma better!" I hugged her tightly and told her she's at least not suffering anymore and is in a better place.
When Tiffany came back home, I too held her hands and told her not to be shocked. Being more matured, she immediately knew that ah ma didn't make it. But the shock, grief and sadness immediately showed in her eyes before I could say the words out. She wept quietly. I held her tightly to console her.
I wanted to join Albert to give him support in his grief. But he told me to wait at home as he was then still waiting for the people to bring her down to the mort. The wait was very very long for me.
I feared there might be an autopsy as the doctors could not confirm the exact cause for the infection. I had already braced the girls to this possibility yesterday. Thanks be to God, the doctors wrote that her death was due primarily to heart failure and secondarily to pnuemonia. So luckily, no autopsy. Just the thought of her going under the cut was too painful and pitiful after all that she had gone through.
As it was Lawrence (Albert's bro) who made the decision to put her in ICU as he wanted to do what is right in the eyes to the Church, he had a dream about his mum. Around 3+am on 14 Jan just after the sons returned from ICU, his mum appeared to him, smiling, and telling him that everythings' alright. She is fine. Then, he was woken up by a call from the hospital's nurse to inform him that mum's blood pressure had fallen drastically. He wanted to continue with that dream, but it never came back.
I didn't expect but was suddenly overcome by grief when I was breaking the sad news to my sis-in-law, Christina. The grief comes so unexpectedly during my day. I try to concentrate on my daily chores to keep the house tidy and routines going. But when I stop to reflect for a while, sometimes it just hits you unexpectedly. Yesterday was quite a daze for me. I'm sure it is much much worse for Albert and his bro as she is their mum. I am fearful of how I'll be when it's my mum or dad. I don't think I'll be able to function at all nor hold up as well as Albert.
Felicia is really an instrument through which God speaks at this time of grief. She told me very philosophically. "Life is like a storybook. Every story has a beginning and an end. Life starts when we are born. The end is when we die one day". I was so astounded to hear this from a little 7 year old as we were having lunch after she came back from school yesterday. I asked her where she had heard such things from, and she said it was from herself, her own thinking.
At the wake yesterday, I was surprised to see Felicia peering into the coffin to scrutinise ah ma's face without any fear, but with great familarity and calmness several times. On the way back in the car, Felicia says the darnest things. She told us there was an ant in the coffin which her cousin sister corrected her it was a flying ant. I didn't see anything. Anyway, what she said was why she thinks there was a glass over her face. "To keep the germs away from us who are outside!" She then said those who were handling ah ma's body have to wear face masks to keep the germs away. I never thought of that and asked her again where did she hear that from (though it made sense). Again she said it came from her!
Tiffany was, as usual, very observant, in a very quiet way. She likes ah ma's dress with the picture of our lady in the front. She also observed ah ma was wearing a nice pair of gloves and I told her it's like she's getting married on her wedding day. She told us that she's quite muddle-headed yesterday as she was overcome with grief. As she's quite introvert and doesn't say what's on her mind, it was difficult to understand the grief she was going through. I believe we all 4 were griefing on our own in our own way. Albert broke down suddenly when he was gazing at his mum through the coffin. I didn't know, but he told me Felicia and his bro were with him.
Love Theresa
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